It’s late April 1968. The new Student in the Burgh Surveyor’s Office at Saltcoats is scrutinising readings he’d taken earlier with a dumpy level to check the gradient of a new sewer when the Surveyor comes in. ‘Did you say at your Interview last month you’d passed the driving test’?
‘Yes’
‘Well here’s my car keys. Go to 1 Seabank Street: it’s the last street on the right before you come to the Maple Leaf Hotel, collect Treasurer Lambie and bring him here for a meeting. He knows you’re coming.’
1 Seabank Street is a two story stone-fronted property with a pitched, slated roof on the west side of Seabank Street near its junction with Canal Street. Treasurer Lambie’s flat is 1/L (even now I can’t get away from the jargon of Committee Reports of over 50 years ago!)
The Student goes up to the first floor and finds the door with ‘Lambie’ at the side wide open. He chaps the door. ‘Come bliddy in’ says a voice from inside: ‘don’t staun oot there a’ day’.
The Student walks through the lobby into a sparse living room where there’s an elderly man with an old coat sitting smoking a pipe and spitting into an empty firegrate. ‘Who the hell ur you?’ he growls.
‘I’ve been sent to collect Treasurer Lambie. I’m the new Trainee in Mr Tulloch’s Office.’
‘Right son, it’s because o’ me that you goat yer job. Noo go doon tae the back yaird and fill that coal-pail.’
‘Away and f*ck yourself. I took this job to learn about surveying, not to fill coal-pails.’
‘Whit? D’ye ken John Wheatley and Wullie Ross have both filled that coal-pail?’
‘I don’t know who you’re talking about.’
Ye don’t ken aboot John Wheatley? Or Wullie Ross, the Secretary of State for Scotland?
‘No.’
‘Well Ah’ll be haeing a word wi Wullie Tulloch because Ah’m no sure if you’re if you’re the richt buddy fur this job.’
‘I thought you said you’d recommended me for the job?’
‘Jist get doon the stairs and intae the caur. We’re late.’
The journey back to the Municipal Buildings is completed in total silence. As Treasurer Lambie enters the Committee Room he bellows ‘Wullie, where the hell did ye fin that new Apprentice? He’s a richt cheekie bugger’ and is greeted with roars of laughter.
The Student returns to his levelling notes using the ‘collimation’ method (as opposed to the ‘rise and fall’ approach). His Mentor George Allan*, Clerk of Works comes in later to see what he’s been up to and is asked ‘who actually is ‘Treasurer Lambie?’
‘Well he’s a Councillor and also currently Chair of Ayr County Council’s Planning Committee and a former Provost. His late Wife Beenie was Provost before him and their daughter-in-law Netta will be our next Provost. His son David will likely be the next MP for Central Ayrshire when Archie Manuel retires. How did you get on with him?’
‘He told me to fill his coal-pail and I told him to go and take a f*ck to himself.’
‘He’d appreciate that!’
Bob Lambie delighted in rehearsing this story for years afterwards whenever we were in company (usually in drink!)
(*George was a Founder Member of Cunninghame Conclave No 39 in 1946 and elected MPS 1948-9. I was given that same honour in 2005-6.)
– Written by John Crawford, CIWM Life Member